Once Was Love
by Pie56
Summary: Alex decides that it's time she explained herself and apologized for always leaving.


**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters :( **

Author's Note: Hey guys, this is a little oneshot I wrote for providence26. It's a little bit more serious than what I usually do. I'm still working on revising Stay. The first chapter should be back up sometime soon. I hope you guys like this one. I didn't really proof it so I hope there aren't too many mistakes. Thanks guys, -Pie

Alex Cabot was not having a very good day. In fact she was sure that this day registered as one of her worst. Of course, the day she was shot and told that she would have to play dead, thus leaving behind the only people she had ever called family, registered as number one worst day ever. Oddly enough, today's reason for being bad may not have ever happened if not for that other bad day. And now to top it all off she was beginning to confuse herself and could feel the start of a headache. In an effort to keep that confusion from spreading to you dear reader let us recap the situation.

Picture it: Manhattan 2000, she had survived Y2K and was now being assigned to the Manhattan Special Victims unit. She was predictably excited, this was a big step for her career and she hoped it would help to path the way to even bigger opportunities. Unfortunately, every situation comes with one unmentioned variable that has the potential to change everything. That variable's name was Olivia Benson and holy hell was she quite the variable.

At first, Alex thought she could pass it off as an understandable attraction. Once again, things didn't want to go her way and she slowly found herself developing feelings for the detective. So she did what she was the best at. She told her heart to fuck off and stayed as icy as possible when she dealt with the SVU team. Then, case by case she found herself unable to muster the energy to stay frigid, and a slowly she went from the bitch lawyer with political aspirations to team player to friend to part of a family. It was rocky, she wasn't really sure how to be a part of a family, but she found that none of them seemed to mind. She was reaching a breaking point because she knew it was only a matter of time before she sloppily confessed her love to the one person she thought could actually understand her.

That's where the new variable came in, Zapata, and Liam Conner's just had to go and mess with her plans. She was immediately moved to a safe house in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a teary goodbye. In the middle of rural Wisconsin she was left with nothing more than her dreams. Almost every night she was fall asleep and dream of her life in New York. The dreams changed often, sometimes she begged Olivia to come with her, sometimes the shooting never happened and they were happy in the city, sometimes they were more than happy in bed, but more often than not they were anything but happy when she relived the shooting in reverse with Olivia being killed.

Fast forward a year and she returned to testify. It nearly killed her all over again but she lied to Olivia and made up a relationship. She wanted to be sure that the brunette didn't put her own happiness on hold waiting for a return that may never happen. She can't say she was surprised when Olivia handed her that file with all of Liam Conner's ticks. She was however surprised when Olivia took the file away two hours later, setting it on the table before leading Alex to bed. That night Olivia made sure to whisper her name as many times as possible as if to erase the persona she had been forced to become. And in the morning before they left the comfort of their room Olivia told her of her love before stealing one last kiss. In the months to come Alex would think it silly and beautiful and perhaps the best declaration of love to ever cross somebody's lips just because those lips had been hers.

When she was finally released from Witsec she immediately went to find those lips but was instead met with Dani Beck. She couldn't really blame the other detective, she was just doing her job and it wasn't her fault Olivia had been pulled for a Fed operation, but she also didn't have anybody else to blame so Dani Beck became a great scapegoat. To this day she was almost willing to blame an ill planned engagement on Olivia's replacement.

Now, let's be honest, there had still been plenty of opportunities for her to go after her girl and she always took the wrong road. Which leads us back to today. She had come back from Africa, and finally got out of appeals and back to her post at SVU. She decided that she needed to stop wearing her own ass as a hat and make things right. When Fin had called her she jumped at the opportunity to finally make things right. Walking into the squad room she was met with the fresh faces of the two new detectives. Olivia was nowhere to be found so instead she left a note for her on her desk. It was just something simple along the lines of "Sorry I missed you, call me."

She did not get a call, instead she got a short email reading "Unless its work related, we have nothing to discuss." In nine words she felt her world crashing down around her. She had been so sure that Olivia would always be there always be waiting and one day when things stopped getting in the way they would have their happy ever after. What she forgot to figure into her calculations was the fact that for at least the past five years she had been the thing standing in her way. The rest of her day was spent hating everything before she finally decided that work was no longer happening.

Which led her to this moment. She had been sitting outside of Olivia's apartment for almost two hours now. Either Olivia was really intent on ignoring her or she wasn't home yet. When she heard feet shuffling toward her and the telltale annoyed sigh she decided it was the latter.

"No."

"Please just hear me out."

"So what? So you can lawyer babble your way out of it?"

"Liv-" She started before she was cut off.

"You don't get to call me that anymore." The brunette's voice is cold as she brushes past her to the door of her apartment, opening the door and moving just as quickly to shut it.

In that moment Alex swears she sees the life they could have had flash before her eyes and in a move that is so reminiscent of the one she made when she faced down Linda Cavanaugh she forces the door to stay open.

"I will arrest you."

"Listen to me."

"No."

"Listen to me, if only for the fact that it's in your nature to learn the truth."

"I think I could let this one go."

"No, you can't, you say that now but we both know you Olivia, and we both know that you could never let this go. You once loved me as much as I still love you. You need to hear what I have to say." Alex was practically begging.

At the confession of love Olivia's grasp on the door lessened and Alex took it as a sign to let herself in.

"Why are you here now?" Olivia demanded.

"Because I refuse to be Rick Blaine." She said it as if it was the only explanation she needed.

"What?"

"You know Casablanca?"

"I know who Rick Blaine is Alex, I want to know what he has to do with it."

"Rick Blaine loves Ilsa but in the end they chose the safer path of staying apart, he has his adventures instead saying that they'll always have Paris. I don't want to have Paris with you. I want to have the whole goddamn world. I want Darcy and Bennett, Bo and Hope, Ross and Rachel!"

"Are you serious? Alex you put me on hold for almost six years and now you show up, when it's the best time for you and tell me you want us to be written in history as one of the greatest couples to ever live? We've never even had the chance to be a real couple!"

"Then give me the chance. Let me prove to you how good we could be."

Olivia scoffed.

"I know I don't deserve it, I don't deserve you but I just got myself into this cycle that I couldn't break out of and…" She trailed off. For once in her life she didn't have a grand speech prepared. She didn't know what to say next. She could feel the silent tears running down her face. She took a deep breath and looked around the apartment. It was the same as it had been before she left. The colors, the smell, even the framed picture of the two of them together that Elliot had snapped one night out. Alex walked toward that picture using it as an anchor.

"I wanted to tell you that night." She said as her finger traced Olivia's face in the frame.

"You didn't."

"No, I didn't."

"In fact, the first time you've ever said it was ten minutes ago when you were begging me to let you in."

"But you knew?" Alex's voice cracked. The mere thought that Olivia didn't know how much she was loved nearly causing her to shatter.

"I thought I did. When you came how to testify, that night…" She trailed off. "And then everything just got so fucked up. I came home to find out that you were engaged to a stranger, and then when it finally seems like things were getting back on track you leave the continent. I'm not saying that you weren't doing something great Alex, but…"

"Say it."

"How can I? How can I say that I was more important than them? How can I say that I needed you more? It wouldn't be fair."

"Screw fair! It wasn't fair when I got shot and it sure as hell wasn't fair that we only got one night together before I was swept away again. I'm fucking done with fair!" Alex was nearly yelling then, not at Olivia but at the situation they found themselves in.

"I love you." Alex says after a few minutes of silence, only to be met with more silence. She decided that she'd have to do better than that if she was really serious about a future with Olivia.

"In my entire life, I've only ever said that to two people and you're one of them."

Olivia looked up at her, clearly listening.

"Everybody assumes that I had a great childhood, and wonderful parents who doted on me, I should be the product of the perfect family, but I'm not."

"I know that Alex." They had talked enough about their respective childhoods for Olivia to know that Alex's parents had viewed her as more of a possession than child.

Alex nodded before continuing. "When I was seven, I told my nanny that I loved her when she tucked me in one night. My mother fired her out of jealousy the next day. I knew from that point on that I would have to be more careful. Then I was transferred to SVU and I started to fall for you and it was so intense. After we thought things were wrapped with Zapata, I decided that I needed to be honest with you; I needed to at least see where you stood. I knew you would offer to see me home and I thought I could ask you to come up and we would have the chance to talk and then…well you know what happened."

Olivia shifted, indeed she did know.

"When I came back to testify, I lied and told you I was seeing somebody, I thought it was for the best. You could move on without me and I would settle with somebody safe in Iowa. I should have known better than to think you'd just let me get away with it. You just had to take me to bed, show me what I had been missing out on, and make me fall for you so much deeper. So, when they finally cut me loose, I came to find you and Dani Beck was there instead. And I just thought _how many roadblocks can life throw in our way before we just stop trying to force it_? As much as I loved you, why hadn't I just learned my lesson? You don't always get what you want.

"Except, it doesn't make it easier. I thought it would, I thought if I just accepted it, I could be okay. I would settle for a man I could never love. I knew I could never love somebody like I love you so I picked somebody I could tolerate. But I found myself lonelier than before. His arms around me felt cold, and his kisses scratched and I couldn't get you out of my system. You were in my veins.

"Then Nardalee came along, and I thought that maybe a project could keep me occupied, and Africa is so damn hot that I wouldn't feel the iciness of your absence. It still didn't work so I came back and today when I walked into the squad room you weren't there and it really hit me that you weren't always going to be there and I realized that these last few years, the roadblocks have been my own fault and I needed to fix it, so I left you that quick note. It was naïve of me to think that would fix anything." She paused for a minute to collect herself

"After reading your email today I realized that you might not know how much I love you. So here I am. I love you Olivia."

Once again the room was plunged into silence. Olivia stared at the ground, processing everything that had been said. When it seemed like she wasn't going to get a response, Alex walked over to Olivia. She reached out, brushing a hand over her cheek before dropping a kiss on her temple, and turned to leave.

"Walking out that door isn't going to do much to convince me that you won't run away again." Olivia's voice stopped her.

"Do you want me to stay?" Alex asked.

"I don't want you to go." Olivia answered.

They both understood the difference.

"This isn't going to be easy." Olivia said.

"I know."

"I'm going to need you to show me that you aren't going to leave again."

"I know."

"It will probably seem more like a job than a relationship for a while."

"I know."

"Okay."

"Okay." Alex repeated.

"I'm exhausted." Olivia said.

"Yeah." Alex wasn't really sure what to do, she had basically been asked not to go, but that wasn't really an invitation either.

After a few seconds Olivia finally moved, taking Alex's hand and pulling her back to the bedroom. "Tonight, we sleep."

"Okay."

They both changed and crawled into bed. Alex wasn't really sure what to do and decided to let Olivia go at her own pace.

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Tomorrow morning, you have to be here when I wake up."

"I know."

"I mean you have to be right here, no getting up to make coffee or surprise breakfasts."

"Okay."

Finally they both seemed to settle. Olivia shifted so they could be close to each other. "Alex?" She whispered again this time her breath tickled at the blonde's neck.

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

Alex could almost feel the words etching themselves into her skin as she snuggled further back into the embrace. It had been nearly eight years since she'd been shot but she had finally found her way home.


End file.
